Choking and Panicking

Earlier this week, I was reading part of "What the Dog Saw" by Malcolm Gladwell.  If you haven't read any of his other books, like "The Tipping Point" or "Blink,"  they're worth a look.   The chapter I was reading was called "The Art of Failure" -- Why some people Choke, and others Panic.

Wouldn't cha know it, In last night's class, I choked bigtime -- twice.

Once, I was asked to lead the 22-step jo kata, and drew a blank after "san."   This is a classic problem when people try to do the 22-step right after the 13-step, but that's no excuse.  Anyway, I recovered just before TG got started, but by that time I was already feeling my disgrace.

Later in class, I inexplicably found myself blending to Nicole's open side on kosatori nikkyo.   Her OPEN side.  I mean, I don't think I've EVER done that before.  I knew something was wrong, but didn't figure it out until just before Tonya had already come over to point it out.  Damn!   Again, 20 demerits for Mike.

So.  What's the difference between  "choking" and "panicking?"   According to Gladwell, it's like this:
- choking is when you think too much
- panicking is when you think too little

An example he gives for "choking" is a tennis player falling apart at match point, only to lose a big lead and eventually the match.  An example of "panicking" is a SCUBA diver grabbing her buddy's regulator when hers fails, even though she has a spare of her own.

Choking is about losing your "flow," and resorting back to that left-side part of your brain where the very basic steps you first learned are stored.   Panic is about resorting to your reptilian brain and forgetting all you've been taught.

Throughout my life, I've always tested pretty well -- in most things.  Aikido too, until I left my first Dojo.  I've tested in Aikido a total of 10 times so far, earning the respective ranks of 7th Kyu, 6th Kyu, 5th, 4th, 3rd, 2nd, 1st (all those in San Francisco), 1st again (at Asheville Aikikai), and finally 2nd and 1st again (the Kai).  I never had a "choke" or a "panic" moment during a test at my first dojo, and have consistently had rather poor test performances since then. And the tests in San Franciso were brutal!  Age, perhaps?  I don't know.  But I want to get a handle on this between now and October.

See, I think choking and panicking go together -- at least for me.   Last night, first I lost my flow (lost my instinct).  Then, in the case of the jo kata incident, I could feel myself starting to panic (reverting to an even more base instinct).   BTW, I think I do much better kata when I don't have to count (counting requires thinking).

I think choking/panicking is what happens to people in Jiyu waza.   Most of us have felt it.  Let's say Chas gets a lock on you (hypothetically, that is).  First, you neglect to blend and flow because Chas intimidates you (even though this should be a clue to blend and flow even more!).  Second, you panic and start wrestling with him (despite the mocking that you know will ensue!).   Or, as happened to me the other day, I instantly reverted to a version of that blend that came from 10 years ago (sorry, Chas).  Choke, then Panic -- or something like that.

I have yet another issue during tests.  Because I've trained at two other Dojos (three, actually, but I don't usually count the "zeroeth" one), I still feel like I don't speak the language of our Dojo fluently.  I still feel like I find myself translating to other training a lot of the time.  When I catch that happening, I panic -- THEN I choke.  Man, I need therapy.

Ugh.  I wish I had an insightful way to finish this post that would make me feel better about it and possibly offer some advice to anyone in the same boat.  But I don't.  Suffice it to say that this is why I like being Uke -- because, as Uke, I don't think.  I can choke sometimes, but I seldom panic.

But that's another post.