Mantra

Aikido isn't generally the kind of practice in which you get big "aha" moments very often.  Usually enlightenment comes in little flashes that are gone as quickly as they come, sometimes without even being noticed.  We depend on (hope for, live for) those flashes coming more frequently over time, and at deepening levels.

But sometimes we get a big epiphany.  I believe I had such a thing last night.

I love doing Ukemi.  I love being Uke.  I believe, and I have often said, that it's because when I am Uke I don't think.  I just react.  I just blend.

I have long known that this is where my brain and being should be when I'm Nage, as well.  I call it "being in my Uke brain" (even when I'm Nage).  I'm not there yet.

But, last night, Tonya said something while teaching that turned on a light.  

She was saying that, as Nage, we take advantage of the fact that Uke is focused on the attack -- say, the grabbing of the wrist.  Since they're focused on that, we use it.  For instance, as in last night, Uke is focused on that initial Kose-dori grip when coming around for Ushiro Ryote-dori, and we use that to go to "heaven" with the other hand as we execute Ryote-dori Tenchi Nage (she called it Kokyu-ho -- same idea).

She said that, as Nage, our world is open to possibilities.  Wide open.  Lots of options. As opposed to Uke, who is more or less constrained to the contact point of the attack.

That's when the light went on.  

It is that very focus, when I'm Uke, that allows me to just blend.  When my mind has this "mantra" to focus on, I can relax and just blend.   As Nage, the very idea of being unconstrained is what makes it difficult for me to just relax and blend.  I have too many options.  My mind wants to see them all; evaluate them all; pick one. Since I'm generally a "big picture" kind of thinker, this is overwhelming.  I have the same dilemma in other parts of my life -- while I'm good at seeing the big picture and all sides of any argument, I do tend to process things and make decisions slowly.

I've experienced the same sort of thing as a songwriter.  If someone says "write me a song," it's really hard.  If, instead, they say "write me a song with 'can't get there from here' as the title, in a gypsy style, in the key of A-minor -- well, that's actually easier.  Fewer options.  I'm off and running much quicker.

Ever been in a group of friends and someone says "where do you want to go for lunch?"  If it's wide open, the conversation takes longer.  If you're constrained to one hour and there's a vegetarian in the group, things get a lot "simpler," from the perspective of having to make a decision.

So.

What I realized was that I need to have a mantra, as Nage.  Something as specific and tactile as the attack when I'm Uke.  Something I can keep laser-focused on, so that the rest of my mind and body can relax and just do what it does fairly naturally by now.

Perhaps it's just my "center."  Or, as Ki Society folks say "Weight Under Center."  Right now, that doesn't seem specific enough -- though it's getting easier the more Taiji I do.

Anyway, I don't have the solution yet.  But now I have a much better idea of what the problem is.  In order to "get into my Uke brain" as Nage, I need a mantra.